ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
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Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.