ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
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My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
No, I don’t think I will.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Kids: Stay in school.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week