The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
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Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.