Air pods looking like an angry frog
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Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.