[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
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[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”