[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
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If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?