Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
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Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done