Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
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[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
lmao
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact