Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
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Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me