[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
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If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
The best shot in the history of golf
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary