ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
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I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived