ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
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If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
everyone’s a critic
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!