ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
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Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Growing up was a huge mistake
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down