ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My sex drive has a dui
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.