@hazelmotes1: Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
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@KKAlThani: Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.
@Tommytoughstuff: [dinner party] *host clinks glass* "Everyone we're having a baby"! *whispers to other guest* "Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian."
@Brampersandon_: MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea DAD: yup ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I'm Bane lol