If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
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ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Customer is always right
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it