@hazelmotes1: Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
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@torrami: All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they're being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
@LaceyNycole: *brings donuts to work* Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat. Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
@shhrugg: If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I'm afraid of intimacy
@piques15: *Working at Walmart* Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger? Me: No Ma’am, they are dead