*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
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{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails