*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
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Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Doggies just call it style.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
mood
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
A great tip. #CakeRex