[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
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[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
This trial is so absurd 😭
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men