[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
You Might Also Like
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.