*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
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The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I have no passwords left in me
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.