Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
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As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Meanwhile in Canada…
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Breaking news:
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*