[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.