My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
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Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”