[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Ummm
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
*Inspirational Tweets*
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage