[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
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I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Bit chilly again tonight.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]