@SamuelHLowe: Aliens must know that we're an easily conquerable race if they've ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
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@joejwest: ME: Good date? FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed ME: Then what? FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger] ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
@EJGomez: angel of God: mary u shall give birth to the son of God himself & he shall be named Jesus & shall die on a cross mary: i have a boyfriend
@Fred_Delicious: Police chief - "I've been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster" Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
@thenoahkinsey: *forgets Netflix password* *sends email reset* *forgets email password* *sends reset to backup* 20 resets later: *opens 2nd Netflix account*