Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
thanksgiving should be called feaster
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.