@SamuelHLowe: Aliens must know that we're an easily conquerable race if they've ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
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@MrJohnNorris: WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON'T WORK...IT'S TOO RISKY
@WhiskeySoured: To protest Donald Sterling's racist comments I'm going to continue to not care about basketball.
@StarksWeek: "I put on pants for nothing" - my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled. Someone set up her Twitter account.
@sad_tree: *hit man puts on silencer* *shoots gun* Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS Wth? *looks at case* Oh I brought the awkward silencer