[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
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I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!