*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
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I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
brian had himself a morning…
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I think we should hear other voices.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant