*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
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hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies