[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
so i’m at the stock market right
I missed you with all my darts
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*