@bombsydoll: Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.
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@funnyhumour: How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb? None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
@WhatevaConc: People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
@illuminatedwndr: cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: "do you know y i pulled u over?" Me: "because Batman is catching all the criminals"
@daemonic3: [heaven's IT department] Ok, I see why your computer's crashing. Have you been closing doors again? God: Yes, why? Too many open windows