@bombsydoll: Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.
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@piques15: *Working at Walmart* Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger? Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
@GaryJanetti: Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.
@mc_funbags: People say that Twitter is pointless but it's teaching my children to be self sufficient.
@copymama: Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?