Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
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Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.