Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
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Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.