Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
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I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga