[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
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Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later: