[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
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Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
These 3D printers are insane!
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.