Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
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CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Those are good neighbors.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
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