All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
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My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.