@aveuaskew: All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
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@abhorrent_wife: Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.
@J0hnnyBlaze: Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
@Steelers1972: A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
@Mr_Kapowski: [firetruck honks its obnoxiously loud horn] [goose in the distance hears it] "Oh shit guys, that sounds like my wife. Gotta fly"