All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
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If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.