All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
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Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
asking santa clause for nudes
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?