All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
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A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Software Development ⛵️
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Skills
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
How it started How it’s going
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.