All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
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I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.