West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
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Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Yep.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class