@Samzen_: All girls love surprises. I didn't know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can't understand women.
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@Alexclaimer: *walks up to IKEA return counter *rips receipt into tiny pieces *tells the clerk to put it together himself
@taps0420: I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one.. There all like awww shit, who's it gonna be this time
@bobvulfov: [cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill] ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what's the problem officer
@SteveSuckington: [talking to daughter's art major boyfriend] "You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan."