[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
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dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”