@TheTweetOfGod: All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?
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@amydillon: My life these days is basically the "before" segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
@ilovepie84: My Boss called me immature today so I gave him a wedgie and made fun of his ugly family.
@InternetHippo: [fingers tented under chin] What can I tweet that won't make people yell at me [starts typing] Hello [brick flies through my window]