@TheTweetOfGod: All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?
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@themorris23: Donald Trump always looks like he's just opened a really hot oven.
@amydillon: My life these days is basically the "before" segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
@ilovepie84: My Boss called me immature today so I gave him a wedgie and made fun of his ugly family.
@InternetHippo: [fingers tented under chin] What can I tweet that won't make people yell at me [starts typing] Hello [brick flies through my window]
@AntDiPalma: A religious family member literally said "Spongebob goes too far sometimes" and I can not stop laughing.
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