All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
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I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?