All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
You Might Also Like
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I finally found a reason to live again.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.