All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
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[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.