All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
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buying dead houseplants to save time
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”