All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
honestly, i need both:
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building