All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
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Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents